The Coma: A Kenny McCormick Story
by elfox15
Summary: Kenny falls into a coma, but something unusual happens to him. Can Kyle, Stan, and Cartman find a way to save Kenny, or do they let him die? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

The Coma: A Kenny McCormick Story

By I-am-E.L.F

Chapter 1

"Come on, Ike. Say it," said Kyle to his adopted little brother from Canada, Ike. The four boys were at the Broflovski's house on Saturday.

"Ike no say worr," Ike replied.

"Just say 'Bee-aytch," said Stan.

"No," replied Ike.

"Hello, little bubilahs," said Sheila Broflovski. "Having fun, are we?"

"Yes, Kyle's mom," replied Stan, Kenny, and Cartman.

"Yeah, Mom," replied Kyle.

"Good. Now, play nice with Ike," said Sheila.

"We will," said Kyle in a sing-song voice. As soon as Sheila went downstairs, Kyle took Ike and kicked him to Stan. "Kick the baby!"

"Don't kick the baby," said Ike. Stan kicked Ike to Kenny, Kenny to Cartman, Cartman to Kyle. "Cookie Monster! Aah-be don't goma scream."

"You wouldn't scream," said Cartman. Ike's eyes started to water, then all of a sudden…

"AAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ike at the top of his lungs.

"Shut up, Ike," said Kyle. "You're gonna get us in trouble." Ike still kept screaming.

"Ike, shut the F--- up!" muffled Kenny.

All of a sudden, Sheila came running in and picked up Ike.

"Poor little _bubilyh_," she said. "Kyle Hershial-Meshuginyh Broflovski!"

"Oh, no," mumbled Kyle. "Full name."

"Ha-ha!" laughed Cartman. "She said—"

"Shut up, Cartman! Mom, I didn't do anything. Ike just—"

"Enough, Kyle," said Sheila. "C'mon, Ike."

Ike was lying on his mom's shouders. He looked back at Cartman and said, "Bye-bye goormah fat-boy."

"Heah!" yelled Cartman. There was a short pause. "Well, ah'm bored."

"Yeah, me too," said Stan. "Wanna egg someone's house?"

"Okay," said Kyle."

* * *

SPLAT! CRACK! SPLAT!

"OW!" screamed Kyle.

"Sorry, Jewhead, but your big jew-head got in the way," said Cartman.

"Very funny," said Kyle. "OW! Cartman!"

"Sorry," he said sarcastically. "But my snowball slipped away from mah."

Kenny started laughing. "That's not your only ball that slipped away."

"HAH! Fah yah infamation, one of mah bawls nevah descended! Now come on, we gotta wrap these eggs in tha snow." The four of them wrapped every egg they had and threw them at the house.

"Dude, who's house is this, anyway?" asked Stan.

After he asked that, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat came out in nothing but pink bathrobes.

"What the hell are you four doing to my house?" shouted Mr. Garrison.

Cartman gasped. "It's Old Man Garrison!"

"RUUUUN!" screamed Kyle. The four boys ran away, but after running for thirty feet, Cartman stopped and fell in the snow. "Wai…wait u…up, you…guys! Le…lemmah cat—cat—catch mah…breath." The three boys were long gone down the road. "YA STUPID SONSOF—"

After about five minutes of running, they stopped on at Ming Li Memorial Park. Stan looked at it, then shivered.

"You cold, Stan?" asked Kyle.

"Wha? Oh, I just got this weird feeling in my mind."

"Where's fatass?" asked Kyle.

"Probably playing with himself," replied Kenny.

The boys started laughing.

Five minutes later, a taxi pulled up to the boys, and Cartman came out, still out of breath. The taxi left and Cartman was immediately in the snow.

"W…wh…why…why wouldn't y…ya…yah wait for…for mah?"

"We couldn't wait forever, dumbass," said Stan.

"Don't ya call mah dumbass!" screamed Cartman.

"Dude, that was fun!" said Kyle. "What now?"

* * *

"Welcome to Burger Dork," said a male cracking teenage voice. "Whaddya want?"

The four boys started laughing quietly. They were at a drive-thru fast-food place named "Burger Dork"

"Shut up, guys," giggled Cartman. "Uh, yes. I'l have…one fries, one medium Zoop Cola, and…a supersized order of …pig balls!" The four boys started smirking.

"What?" asked the teen.

"Pig balls," laughed Cartman. "You know. P-I-G-balls!" All four boys started laughing out loud, really hard.

"Waaaaaait a minute," said the teen. "You're just some punk kids, aren't ya?"

"No," said Kyle.

"All right! That's it! I'm comin' out right now!"

"Where? Out of the closet?" asked Stan.

The teen came out, but he was fat, greasy-haired, and covered with acne. "You wanna piece of me?"

"Yes," replied Cartman. All of a sudden, this Asian fight scene music started playing in the background. The fat kid leapt in the air, did a Matrix pose, and landed on the teen. He kicked the teen square in the nuts, then Kenny leapt on his face until he was unconscious.

"There. I got my pig balls," said Cartman.

After they escaped from the drive-thru, the four boys were, once again, bored. There were lying in the snow, looking up at the blue sky, thoughtless.

"I'm bored," said Stan. "What do you want to do, Kenny?"

"I don't know. What do you wanna do, Kyle?" asked Kenny.

"I dunno," replied Kyle. "You wanna graffiti a cow?"

"Dude, we did that _last _week," said Cartman.

They all sighed. A shadow started approaching them. It looked kind of evil. Kyle gasped. It turned out to be…

"Oh, h-hey guys," said Butters. "Wha-what are you doing?"

"Right now," said Cartman, "tryin ta ignore you! So geuwh awah!"

"O-okay, I'll leave," said Butters shyly. "I have this really awesome game we could play, but I-I'll need some other people to play wi—" The four boys got out of the snow and loked at Butters.

"Wha-what?"

* * *

"Oh boy!" said Butters with excitement. "I-isn't this fun?" He and Kyle were playing with Butters' new air hockey table. Kyle was sorta enjoying it, but Kenny, Stan, and Cartman were bored to death.

"Yeah," said Stan unenthusiastically. "Whoopee."

"Dude, this sucks," said Cartman. "Hmmm…" he thought. All of a sudden, a bright light shone over his head.

"Oh, sorry," said Butters. "That light does that sometimes."

"Ah have an idea! C'mon, guys!" Kyle accidentally slipped his arm on the board and rammed the puck off the table and in Kenny's mouth.

"HEY!" he shouted, but the puck made it hard to hear. He spit it out and ran to catch up with the other guys.

* * *

"Okay, Butters," said Cartman. "You want fun? You'll get fun with mah favor-ate gahme, 'Blindfolded Jaywalk!'" The five of them were on Muerte Street, where traffic is always coming and going and almost never stopping.

"Uh, Cartman," said Stan. "Can I talk to you in private?" He dragged Cartman behind a near-by bush and he pulled the fat kid behind it.

"Dude, are you NUTS!" shout-whispered Stan.

"Ha ha, you said nuts," laughed Cartman.

"That's not funny, Cartman," said Stan. "Why are you even doing this? Someone's gonna get killed."

"Well, DUH!" said Cartman. "Someone in pahticulah…Leopold Stotch."

"Butters? What's he done to you?"

"He's been boring. I want him gone."

"Why can't you just, oh, I don't know…**_ASK _**him to leave?"

"Dude, this is a lot more fun." Cartman waddled back over to the others. Stan followed with a worried look on his face.

"A-are you sure this game is safe?" asked Butters.

"Sure it is," said Cartman. "Ta prove it is, Kennah'll go first."

"WHAT?" screamed Kenny.

"C'mon, Kennah," said Cartman. "One fah tha team?"

Kenny sighed, then put on the blindfold.

"Alright, Kennah," said Cartman. "When Stan says geuwh, I'll push you in the street and start walking. Ready?"

Kenny nodded nervously.

"I don't know," said Stan. "What if Kenny gets—"

"GO!" shouted a voice that sounded like Stan's.

Cartman pushed Kenny into the street. Cars started to avoid Kenny as he walked zig-zaggedly down the street.

"Oh, no," said Stan. "Kenny, come back!"

Kenny couldn't hear due to the traffic. The don't walk light turned into a walk light. Kenny was doing all right.

When the don't walk light turned back on, traffic started up again. Kenny was walking all over the place and in circles.

What no one knew was that about a block away, a really mad bus driver was speeding along, pushing his big honking foot on the excelerator. The bus driver was mad because of either his salary, his marriage problems, or something.

Kyle saw it coming. "KENNY! YOU HAVE TO STOP OR ELSE YOU'LL—"

"Keep going," said the mysterious voice.

Kenny was almost at the other side. He felt he was all right…

Until…

**WHAMMMM**!►

"MOVE OUTTA DA WAY, YOU DERN KID!" shouted the cranky bus driver as he drove along. When the stop sign went on, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Butters ran over to Kenny, who was now lying still on the road and beaten up badly, and dragged him to the other side.

"Kenny? Kenny?" asked Stan. There was no response. Stan's heart was collapsing, his eyes started to tear up, and his mind started to spin. "Oh my God. I killed Kenny."

Butters went to check Kenny's pulse, and his heart was beating, but almost barely.

"H-he's not dead," said Butters. "Feel this." Stan felt Kenny's arm. "That his pulse," Butters continued. "So that means he's still alive."

"Then why the hell isn't waking up?" asked Kyle.

"I don't know," said Butters.

"C'mon, Kenny," said Kyle. "Wake up!" Kenny still wasn't responding. "Go call an ambulance, fatass."

"Shut up, Jewnose," said Cartman.

* * *

Kenny woke up, but he was in some sort of bubble, like that one boy. He was spinning around, and he was getting kinda sick.

Next, he found himself on a cloud, and floated down really fast into a dark building. Kenny thought he was either going to die, or did die. This didn't look like heaven or hell, because he had been to both.

_I want my mommy! _he thought. He covered his eyes until he thought it was safe.

When the floating stopped, he was on solid ground. He saw at least 50 eyes staring at him.

_Where am I?_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Most of this is based on the movie "Monkeybone."_

Chapter 2

Kenny started to panic. His eyes were filled with fear, and he gonna cry until…

"WELCOME!" shouted various voices.

"_Huh?_" asked Kenny.

"Pffft, doesn't even know what 'welcome' means," scoffed a teenage girl.

"Hey, give'em a break," said another teenage girl. "He's new, young, ignorant, and cute."

"Gross, Mel," said the first teen. "He's, like, in kindergarten. You are _so_ sick."

"Geez, Julie," said the second teen. "You are so moody all of a sudden. I'm glad you have black ones instead of white." She walked past Kenny sweetly and said "Hi."

Kenny kept his eyes on her. He kept his eyes on her until KONK! His face ran into a pole.

"_Wait!_" he muffled. The teen turned around to wait for Kenny. "_Uh…I'm Kenny._"

"Hi," said the teen. "I'm Melissa."

"_Where am I_?"

"You're in Comaville, where people of all ages go when they're in a coma. This is the Dancefloor, where there are dances, parties, and the Departing Ceremony."

"_I'm not in a coma._"

"I know you want to doubt it at first, but then you'll understand. We know what happened. You got hit by a bus while playing 'Blindfolded Jaywalk.'"

"_No I didn't! Well, maybe I did, but I'm not in a coma!_"

"Then why can't you feel any pain?"

Kenny touched his body where he was hit.

"_Oh my God. I am in a coma. GODDAMMIT! sigh Crap. So, how'd you get here?_"

"Ran into a rope by the neck, got rope burn, fell to the ground, passed out, sent here."

Kenny looked around. "_Where are the adults?_"

"Oh, well, it sorta works like this: this whole world is split up in five sections, kids and teens, people ages 18-45, 46-60, 61, and people who like sex and alcohol and have lots o' money."

Kenny's eyes lit up. "_Where's that?_"

"Don't. Nobody under 21 is allowed in there." She pointed to a small room called "**Room of Sex n' Beer: O whata fun combination!**" Kenny tried to sneak in, but then was ejected by the guard.

" 'eh, youse. Nos minors in heres," said the drunk guard.

Kenny landed with a thud. "_I bet your martinis suck, anyway!_"

"Kenny, watch the language," said Melissa. "There are people younger than us here." She pointed to kids who were either in elementary school, preschool, toddlers, and, sad enough, babies. Most of them were crying because they were hungry, tired, had soiled themselves, cranky, or missed their parents.

"It's hard for the rest of us because we have to take care of these little kids until they get back to Earth or they…grow their wings.

"_What does that mean?_" asked Kenny.

"It's kinda hard to explain, but it means that the person has at least 5 days to live. But, this way, you can foresee your afterlife. If you grow beautiful white wings, you go to heaven. If you grow dark, pointy wings, you go to hell and get your wings chopped off.

"Some say there's a legend about a cursed one that has one black wing and one white wing, but I don't know the rest and I don't want to know."

Kenny was frightened, yet intrigued by that last part. He asked Melissa "_How old are you?_"

"Thirteen," replied Melissa.

"_Shouldn't you have a kid to take care of?_"

"Oh, you mean Dylan," she said sadly. "Well, he got a pass to get back to Earth, so he left yesterday. I kinda miss him but…wait. How old are you?"

"_Nine._"

"Hey, I could take care of you. I'm thirteen, so I'm old enough to take care of you."

Kenny smiled under his hood. He liked her with her pink highlights in her blonde hair, she was sweet, smart, and was old enough to be his older sister! He felt like this was home.

* * *

"Mister and Miss McCormick, I have some bad news," said Dr. Doctor, the head doctor at Hell's Pass Hospital. "Your son Kenny—" 

"Oh, no!" said Kenny's mom as she buried her face in her husband's arms. "My Kenny's dead!"

"Actually," said the doctor, "he's in a coma. A deep one. I'm sorry." Kenny's mom felt a little better, then felt worse.

"Excuse me," said Stan knocking on the room's door. "Can we visit?" Kyle and Cartman were with him.

"Of course," said the doctor. When the three boys walked in, Kenny was in really bad conditions. His right arm and left leg were in casts, he had a concussion at his head, and he was hooked on completely on life support. Stan felt really bad.

"Hey, Kenny," said Stan. "Listen, I…I…I can't do this! Doc, give it to me straight! How long does Kenny have until…you know."

"Oh, well," said the doctor, "it depends on his condition, really. He could wake up today, maybe tomorrow, but if you want to be a little more realisitic…the most he has is about 10 weeks until his heart will start to collapse and shut down, along with his liver, lungs, and his brain. Until then, he has that time to wake up before we shut him down."

Kenny's mom knelt bu her son's bed. "C'mon, Kenny. Mommy wants you to wake up and be all right!" Kenny was just still as a rock.

"Well, all's well that ends when Kennah dies," said Cartman without thinking. "C'mon, guys. Let's go to the thrift store and faht in the 30-dollah preehm dresses."

"Cartman!" said Kyle. "How can you say that! Kenny's still our friend, no matter what happens to him. Besides, how'd you feel if you were in a coma and Kenny badmouthed you?"

"Ah wouldn't kneuh because ah'd be in a comah, so screw you guys…ah'm goin' heuhm!" Cartman waddled out of the room and went home.

"Poor Kenny," said Kyle. "I wonder what it's like in a coma."

* * *

"Okay, let's see…McCormick, K. Room 230," said an older man with a horse's head but a man's body. "Here you are." He opened the door and Kenny saw his room, which was a lot better than his house! 

"Okay. Enjoy your stay here at the "Geezer Lion Apts." Breakfast is from 6:30 to 10:00, and don't forget the departing ceremony every night at 7:00." He left, leaving Kenny alone. He was overwhelmed with joy, so he leapt on the bed with glee and sighed happily. Things were finally going Kenny until—

KNOCK-KNOCK! Kenny got out of bed and went to the door. He opened it and found…no one. Nothing was outside except an envelope on the floor. He picked up the envelope and closed the door.

He went back on his bed and opened the envelope to find a letter. The letter said:

**Kenny:**

**Want to know about your secret crush? Your secret is safe with me, just meet me at the Sleepy Cauldron Café tonight at 8 o clock. Ask for a guy named Platypus.**

**Anonymous.**

**P.S. Enclosed are directions to the place.**

* * *

Kenny arrived at the restaurant, but was greeted with "WHY DID YOU STEAL MY WALLET, YOU F---ING BITCH!" 

Kenny screamed really loud and tightened his hood so you could barely see his face.

"Oh. Sorry kid," said the waiter. "I thought you were my mother. Are you looking for someone?"

Kenny asked for Platypus and was led to a table with a teenage boy with black messy hair, a little stubble, smoking a cigarette, and didn't look pleased.

"So," he said with a French accent, "You're Kenny. Hmmm…I expect-ed someone a leetle…older." Kenny looked at himself. "Now, ze reazon why I called you here…you have a crush on a girl."

Kenny nodded.

"Okay, but first, I need you to help me weeth some fav-ars for moi," said the teen. Kenny gulped.

(9 to 5 by Dolly Parton plays)

Kenny was handed a list of tasks to perform.

1.Walk coma dogs twice a day today. Avoid coma mailmen and coma cats. 

"BARK! BARK!" barked the coma dogs as they walked down Nightmare Lane. One of them spotted a cat and they all started chasing it.

"_STOP! STAAAAAAAAAAA_" screamed Kenny as he was dragged by ten different dogs on leashes down the street.

2.Watch my little kid while ah go to ze coma dentist.

Kenny is watching the teen's little boy named Jamie, who is crying non-stop! Kenny has a little hood that he pulls out of his pocket and puts on the kid, who loves it!

3.Sneak into senior zitizens place an' grab sleep and caffeine pills.

Kenny is beaten up from the last two days, and was getting sick of this. He was wearing a full body robber suit, but his face still couldn't be seen. He went into the retirement home and took the box full of sleeping pills and caffeine pills.

_Why the hell am I even DOING this?_ he thought. He accidentally hit and button and then—

WEE! WEE! WEE!

An alarm went off and dogs started coming Kenny's way.

"_Aw, f---,_" groaned Kenny. He ran for his life out of the retirement home and out the protective gate and the dogs were barking at the gate.

The next day, they met again in the teen's room. Kenny put down the boxes of stuff in front of the teen, and Kenny was mad.

"_Okay, I walked the dogs, I watched that screaming brat, and I got the damn pills, now TELL ME ABOUT THAT GIRL!_"

"Fine," said the teen. "But firrrrst, I must congratulate you, and I shall give you a form-al greeting. My name is Jacque D'Costell. I think you probably know my worthless half brother, Cristoph."

"_Wait,_" said Kenny. "_Cristoph…the Mole?_"

"Ouí," said Jacque. "Now, ze girl. Blonde hair with pink highlights? Green-brown eyes? Short?"

Kenny nodded at everything he said.

Jacque took out a folder and gave it to Kenny. "Her name is Melissa Janice Foy," said Jacque. "She's 13, animal lover, likes cute. Her pet peeves are fat people, insects, and people who think they're better than they really are."

"_Where does she live?_"

"At The Resting Pony Terrace, but that section of Comaville is strictly girls-only. If you want to see her, I would dress up like a girl, if I were you. How soon do you want to see her?"

"_Tomorrow,_" said Kenny.

"Okay, then," said Jacque. He pushed Kenny out the door and left him there, thinking.

* * *

10 days had passed since the accident. The three boys decided to go back to school, but Stan wasn't normal. He had a worried look on his face all the time, and he wasn't happy. 

When they went into the classroom, the entire class went dead silent.

"Nice of you boys to show up," said Mr. Garrison. "Now, where the hell were you? It's been two weeks!"

"Uh, well, we have an announcement to make," said Kyle. "The reason we haven't been in school is because our friend Kenny is…in a coma."

"Oh, no!" said Wendy. "What happened, Stan?"

BLEEEAUUCCH! Vomit came out of Stan's mouth.

"EW!" groaned the class.

"Oh, please," said Mr. Garrison. "I'v heard that excuse for a while. That doesn't explain why you weren't at school."

"Sure it does," said Kyle. "A Jewish custom is when somebody has lost someone or has a friend or relative that's sick, the family stays home for as long as they need to. This is called a _sittiing shiva_."

"We don't wanna hear your Jewcrap, Jewhead!" said Cartman.

"Stop calling me that, fatass!" said Kyle.

"Kyle! Eric! Enough out of you two," said Mr. Hat.

"That's right, Mr. Hat," said Mr. Garrison. "Now, I'm sorry to hear about Kenny, but we lose people all the time in our li—"

He abruptly stopped because a flashback was coming to him.

* * *

_Mr. Garrison was two years old when this happened to him. He was bald, had grey hair, and was at his grandfather's side, at his deathbed._

_"Herbert…" said his grandfather. "Grampy is…going to a very…very special place for a while, so I wan…want you to have my puppet. It wou…it would make me happy." He handed his only grandson a puppet with a red and white striped top hat, a beard, and a purple costume before he took his final breath. The puppet was Mr. Hat._

_"Gampy?" asked young Herb._

_

* * *

_

"Grampy?" asked Mr. Garrison. "GRAMPY?" He ran out of the room, crying. "Grampy!"

All the kids were still quiet. They looked at Kyle, Stan, and Cartman.

"Uh…" started Kyle. "Who likes rollerskating?"

All the kids ran out of their desks and trambled Butters along the way.

"Oh my God! They killed Butters!" said Stan.

"You bastards!" said Kyle.

"I-I'm not dead," moaned Butters.

"An' so lies an euh-kay guy named Butters. Mayh he rest in f---ing peace." The three boys walked out, and Cartman kicked Butters in the legs.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

"C'mon, Stan," said Kyle. "Cheer up! The guy at the food counter gave you a free snocone." Half of the snocone was eaten. "What the—CARTMAN!"

"Whahht?" aske Cartman, who had a red moustache on his mouth.

"Did you eat half of this?" asked Kyle.

"Uh…Neeeeuh. burp"

"I'm not hungry," said Stan. "I put one of best f-f-friends in a coma. I wish I was never born."

"What? How can you say that?" asked Kyle.

"If I wasn't born, none of this would've never happened."

"There's lots of things you've done that have been good. Just don't kill yourself or anything." Kyle walked over to the DJ stand and announced "Attention fellow classmates—this party is now over."

The kids groaned, took off their skates, and headed out. The rink closed for the night, and the doors were locked. The only problem was…

flush "Hah guys! Guess wha? Ah won a free bahloon in the bathroom," said Cartman, holding something plastic. He noticed everything was dark, and he was locked up.

"Guys? Guys! AW, YA SONSUV—"

* * *

Kenny was in bed, but he couldn't sleep, so he turned on the TV and found a channel with Stan on it. 

"_What the—_"

"_Hey, Kenny, it's me, Stan_," said Stan on the screen. "_Uh…guess what? I got the entire class to help you and your family.Uh, Clyde told Mr. Garrison to go f--- himself, and rumor has it he did. In front of Clyde._

_"Anyway,I just want you to know that I'm the one that put you in the coma. It's all my fault!"_ He started crying on Kenny's hospital bed, and Stan's mom came and took him home.

Kenny turned off the TV and layed back in his bed. He knew what he had to do.

To Be Continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

BZZZ! BZZZ! BZZZ! The alarm clock in Kenny's room went off.

"_Wha?_" he muffled when he woke up. He turned off the alarm and went back to sleep. He opened his eyes again and found Jacqur right in his face.

"Morning," said Jacque.

"_AAAAAAHH!_" screamed Kenny.

"Ready for ze makeover?" asked Jacque.

"_What makeover?_" asked Kenny, half-asleep.

"Ze makeover you need to zee your girlfriend," said Jacque. "Now, get out of ze bed an' take a show-eir!" He pushed Kenny out of bed, into the bathroom, and slammed the door.

Fifteen minutes later, Kenny came out, wrapped in a towel. Only his face was showing.

"Now what?" he asked.

"Where's ze hairbrush?" asked Jacque.

"Huh?" asked Kenny. "Oh, over there, right by the box of complimentary condoms" he said, laughing. The hairbrush was covered in dust.

Jacque undusted it and started brushing Kenny's hair.

"Ow. Ow. Ow," groaned Kenny as Jacque brushed his hair.

After three grueling hours, Kenny's hair was brushed and wrapped in a dry towel.

"Here are your clothes," said Jacque, throwing Kenny a pile of clothes and pushing him into the bathroom.

After thirty minutes of putting on jeans, Kenny came out and asked, "Dude, are you sure this shirt is appropriate?"

"Of course," said Jacque.

"Really. I don't think 'F--- Me. I'm A Virgin' is appropriate."

"Okay, okay," said Jacque. "I have more shirts. What do you want? 'Little Slut?' 'Porn Star?' 'Li'l Hooker—"

"Stop," said Kenny. "I don't want to look too girly or desperate. I'll take 'Sperm Dumpster.'"

Finally, after another hour of shirt fitting, mascara-applying, eyelash-gluing, and talking-like-a-girl-by-reading-Hallmark-cards, Kenny was ready.

He came out wearing low-rise American Eagle jeans, a tube top with "Sperm Dumpster" on it, fluffy blonde hair, and fake eyelashes and mascara.

"Aw, _jé mouseus_," said Jacque. "Now, what's your plan for escape?"

"Huh?" asked Kenny.

"Idiot! You have to escape from zees place before ze guards on ze male side kill you!"

"They can kill you?" asked Kenny.

Jacque opened the nearest window, packed Kenny's other clothes, and pushed Kenny out the window. Luckily, Jacque used a LOT of hairspray, so Kenny bounced right onto his feet and started running into town.

In town, there were a lot of crazy things, like selling baked rats-on-a-stick, walruses deep-frying fish, and necklaces made out of fish scales and angel feathers that are left in the Dancefloor. He tried not to look, but his eyes had to stay glued to the scenery. This was the Marketplace that led directly to the girl's side.

"G'day, lady!" said a young koala boy about Kenny's age, "Do you wanna try on some Aussie undies?"

"NO!"said Kenny in his girl voice. He kept walking until he was at the Resting Pony Terrace. He opened the door, and everything in the lobby was like a hotel for girls! He walked up the stairs until an employee came and stopped him.

"Sorry, m'am," she said with a Canadian accent. She had a woman's head, but had a cat's tail, and the body of a giraffe. "Are you on the list?"

Kenny didn't answer.

"What's your name, eh?"

_Oh, no!_ thought Kenny. _Jacque didn't make a name for me! Think, Kenny, think…_

"My name's Jenny," he said with his girl voice. "Jenny…" _Dude! What would Chef do? _A thought bubble appeared over Kenny and Chef was in it.

"Dammit, children!" said Chef. "Why are y'all getting yourself into situations like this, dressing up like a little cracker hooker! If this ain't the stupidest stunt you children have thought of, my name isn't Jerome "Chef" McElroy!" The thought bubble disappeared and Kenny got it!

"My name is Jenny McElroy!"

The employee looked through her list. "Nope. You're not on my list."

"I'm just visiting someone."

"Okay, then. Who are ya looking for?"

"Melissa Foy."

"Room 406. Just knock, eh?"

"Thanks," said Kenny. He walked up to room 406 and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" asked Melissa from inside her room.

"It's Kenny," whispered Kenny.

"Kenny?" She opened the door. "Why are you—"

"Just let me in before the guards come looking for me," said Kenny.

After ten minutes of explaining everything…

"…and that's why I'm dressed like a girl," finished Kenny. "So, now do you understand?"

"…No," said Melissa.

"Oh," said Kenny. "But…w-what I'm trying to say is…Melissa Janice Foy…I love you."

"What?"

"I. Love. You."

"Whatever," said Melissa. "Hey, since there's a dance tomorrow night, you wanna go with me?"

Kenny was speechless. All that came out of his mouth was "Abb—uh, gulp Mumma-bubba."

"Great," said Mel, pushing Kenny out of her room. "It's at 7 at the Dancefloor, and please, for the love of God, get out of that stupid girl outfit. Oh, yeah, one more thing. You can call me Mel." She closed the door, and Kenny put his orange parka on and ran back to the guy's side.

* * *

Six weeks had passed since the accident. A lot has happened since, but there isn't enough time to say it all. That would be a story itself, so I'll just say this: Cartman gave himself a wedgie to get ten dollars, Butters got his first taste of beer, thinking it was a new cola, and Stan…well, let's see…

Stan was being tucked into bed by his mom. She gave him a kiss, then left his room.

"Mom?" asked Stan.

"Yes, Stanley?" asked his mom.

"You know how when Kenny dies, he comes back the next day?"

"Sure."

"Do you think Kenny'll wake up tomorrow?"

There was an awkward pause. "I don't know, honey. Good night." She left the room and closed the door. Stan tossed and turned in his bed until he finally went to sleep.

* * *

Kenny turned on the TV to see if anything good was on TV. He turned to a channel with all the colors of the rainbow and a lot more new colors moving around, like a moving tie-dye shirt.

"_What the—_"

The TV sucked Kenny right out of bed and into this strange world. He saw someone familiar in the distance. He walked over to the person and tapped him on the shoulder.

"_AHHH!_" screamed Kenny. "_Stan?_"

"Kenny?" asked Stan. "You're alive?"

"_No, I'm trapped in this dream, and so are you._"

"Why are you wearting eyelashes and makeup?"

Kenny wiped his face off. "_Listen, Stan. I want to show you what life would be like if you weren't born._" **_He snapped his fingers and they were in South Park. Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman were at the busstop, and Wendy showed up, looking depressed. The true Kenny and Stan were invisible._**

**"_What's wrong, Wendy?" asked Kyle._**

**"_I kinda feel alone because I don't have a boyfriend."_**

**"_Neither does Cartman, but you don't see him moping," said Kenny._**

**"_Ye—HAH!" shouted Cartman._**

"_You see what life would be like without you?_" asked Kenny.

"Yeah," said Stan. "Wendy, don't worry. I'm here for you."

"_She can't hear you. This is just a dream. Just tell everyone I'm okay, and to disconnect the life support. Bye, Stan_," said Kenny in a sing-song voice, and he disappeared.

POOF! Stan was in bed, tossing and turning in his bed, mumbling "Kenny…Kenny wait…Kenny. KENNY!" He woke up, panting and sweating.

Sharon came running in, hugging her son. "Are you okay, Stan?"

"What happened?" asked Stan.

"You were mumbling in your sleep. Don't worry. It was just a bad dream.

"Was it?" asked Stan.

* * *

The next day at school, Stan was freaked out. His eyes were bigger than his hands, he was sweating all over, and he had bags under his eyes.

_Was that really Kenny?_ he thought. _That must've just been a bad dream. No way Kenny would—_

"Hah, assh---!" said Cartman.

"AHHHH!" shrieked Stan. He turned around to find Kyle and Cartman. "Don't do that, fatass!"

"Hah!" started Cartman. "Don't ya call mah—"

"Whoa, dude!" said Kyle. "What happened to you? You look so…tired and freaked out."

"It's this dream I had last night," started Stan. "Kenny was in it. He showed me what life would be like if I wasn't born, and it sucked! Then he told me to…disconnect him from the life support."

"What?" asked Kyle and Cartman.

"See Kyle?" said Cartman. "Stan's as dumb as me! Waaaaaait…"

"No, dude! I'm serious!" said Stan.

"Are you f---ing nuts, dude? He'll die," said Kyle.

"No he won't! I'll prove it!" said Stan as he ran to the gate at the entrance until someone stopped him.

"Hello, Stan. Where are you going at…(looks at watch) 8:15 in the morning, m'kay?" asked Mr. Mackey, the school's guidance counsler.

"…Nowhere," lied Stan.

"Allright, now get back to class…m'kay?"

Later that morning…

"Okay, children. Let's get this day started," said Mr. Hat. "We have a lot to learn today."

"We sure do, Mr. Hat," said Mr. Garrison. "Now, before we learn the six times tables, Stan has an announcment to make."

Stan got up to the front of the class. "Uh…you all know about Kenny, right? Well, I think we should donate some food and money to his family to make them feel better."

Cartman started laughing. "No f---ing way ah'm givin' my precious food and valuable money to those poor people!" He started laughing some more until Wendy kicked him in the legs.

"I think that's a great idea, Stan," she said. Stan could feel something up his throat.

"And this could make our class a little more giving and considerate," said Bebe. Everyone except Cartman agreed.

"R-really?" asked Stan. "Because I thought—BLAAAURGH!" Stan threw up all over the floor.

"Gross!" groaned the class. Stan blushed from embarrassment.

* * *

It was Friday night. Kenny was getting ready to pick his "date." He rented a tux and was wearing it, but he found it uncomfortable, so he took it off.

When he and Mel met at the Dancefloor, they started twisten' and turnin' until they fell on the floor, laughing.

"C'mon," said Mel. "There's somethin' I wanna show ya." She grabbed Kenny's arm and they ran off into this forest. Kenny felt this itch on his back, and scratched it.

_(Shadow by Britney Spears plays)_

The forest had blue trees with pink leaves, the ground was purple, and the water flowing was green-turquoise. A light breeze was blowing through the air. Mel and Kenny started hugging, kissing, and frolicking in the grass. Then, it started to rain, and they kissed a final kiss in that forest.

After about 20 minutes, they both came out, sopping wet. They were both laughing.

"I can't believe _em kcuf_ isn't German!" laughed Mel.

Kenny's heart was throbbing because he knew it now: he was truly in love, but he had this weird irritation in his back.

_Must've been that stupid tux_, he thought.

"C'mon, Kenny," said Mel. "Let's go back to the Dancefloor!"

After two weeks of intense therapy and psychological help, Stan felt much better and calm.

The McCormicks had 2000 dollars and twenty pounds of food. They had eaten half of it in the first two weeks, and spent almost all the money to get some new clothes.

Anyway, Stan went to visit Kenny in the hospital, who had all the cast removed from him, but was still on life support.

"Hey, Kenny," said Stan. "Guess what? I'm not crazy anymore, and your family is really happy because we donated food and money to them. I think everything will be just—"

Cartman barged in, panting. Kyle came in, too, but he was mad.

"Stan! Stan!" gasped Cartman. "Ah have somethin' ta tell ya!"

"What?" questioned Stan.

"The doctors…they…they…"

"What?"

"They're gonna…pull ta plug on Kenny."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

There was an awkward pause in the room. Stan felt like he fell a thousand feet, because of the news from Cartman.

"Wha? Bu…bu…suh…why would this happen?" asked Stan.

"Because Fat-Ass thought it would be funny," said Kyle.

"Ah laughed mah head off," said Cartman.

Stan was devastated. The sad piano music started playing in the background. "But…Kenny's my f-f-friend," stammered Stan. "I"LL KILL YOU!" He charged for Cartman and started strangling him, but Cartman's neck was really fat.

"Ha ha!" he laughed. Kyle kicked him in the crotch and Cartman fell over on the ground.

"OWWW!" he groaned. "Look, ah onlah did it because this girl told mah too."

"Who?" asked Kyle and Stan.

"This one girl named Jenny McElroy," replied Cartman. "Last night, when ah was sleeping, this really hot girl comes up and says to take Kenny off the life support. Ah puit mah arm around her, an' sha slapped mah! Then she said that she was kidding. She didn't want the doctors to pull the plu—"

There was an awkward pause.

"What did she say?" asked Stan.

Cartman's face went white, then red from embarassment. "Whoops."

"What whoops?" asked Kyle.

"Uh…I sorta…told the doctor…that he _should _pull the plug on Kenny instead of _should not_.

Now Stan was mad. He spent these past weeks helping Kenny, and for what? For Cartman to kill him?

"Kyle, come on! We have to stop the doctors before it's too late!" Stan and Kyle ran all over the hospital, looking for Kenny's doctor, but it turns out he went home for the day.

"When are they gonna pull the plug?" asked Stan.

"In two days," said Cartman.

"You're a f---ing jerkass, Cartman," said Kyle.

* * *

Back at the Dancefloor, every person, young and old was dancin' till they dropped. Kenny, on the other hand, tried the next bar in the room, the Comatini & Co., and tried to get in. Unfortunetely, he got kicked out…again.

"_The martinis are worse than anything else!_" he screamed.

Mel sighed with discontent and pity. "C'mon, Kenny. Let's keep dancing!" It was the last slow song of the dance. Kenny and Mel put their arms around each other.

"_Can you scratch my back?_" he asked.

"Sure," replied Mel. She was dancing and scratching his back until Kenny felt something.

"_What's on your back? It feels soft_," he said.

Mel's eyes opened wide. She ran out really fast into the hallway, crying. Kenny was confused and puzzled. He ran after Mel, who was sobbing in her arms.

"_What's wrong?_" he muffled.

"Nothing," said Mel quietly. Kenny had a woried look on his face. Mel looked back at Kenny. "I…I haven't been completely honest with you, Kenny."

"_Oh, f---! You're gay!_" he muffled.

"No," she said.

"_You're not real?_"

"No."

"_Were you a guy? Are you Michael Jackson in a girl suit?_"

"NO! Kenny…I have wings."

"_There's a disease called wings?_"

"No, Kenny! I have my wings." Mel lifted up the back of her shirt and beautiful white angelic wings unfolded and shone before Kenny's eyes. Kenny was stunned, yet hoped something grew on the front of her.

"_Ohhh, **wings**. Is something growing on the front of your body?_"

"Kenny!" cried Mel. She sobbed in her arms, and Kenny felt sad. He never felt this way about a girl before.

"_What are wings, anyway?_"

"Kenny, don't you remember? When someone grows their wings, that means they're gonna die! These are my last hours here! And, well…I'm scared." Kenny felt really bad right now, so he removed his hood to say something thaty wasn't potty humor.

"Melissa, when I first met you, you were a go-getter. You weren't afraid of anything, and now you're afraid of death. You can't let death take over you. Believe me, I know. I die at leadt once a week, then I come back the next day!

"I know how scary it is to face death, but at least you know you're going to heaven. That's good, because I've only been three times! I know you will be all right in heaven. I know you will." He put his hand on Mel's shoulder and put his hood back on with the other hand.

"Kenny…" said Mel. "That was beautiful. You're right! I know I will. Thank you, Kenny." She hugged him.

"_Can you scratch my back?_"

"Again? You got a rash or something?"

"_Probably._"

All of a sudden, a metallic horn sounded.

"_What the hell was that?_" asked Kenny in shock.

"That's the Departing Ceremony horn. It's time." Mel and Kenny walked over to the center of the Dancefloor, wher everyone gathered around a stage , a circular platform with rainbows on it, and some tubes. A man and his son came up on stage. The father was the king of Comaville, and his son was prince, but there was something strange about both of them. They were both human lions!

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the man lion with a strong voice. "We are gathered here today to mourn the losses the those who will die and celebrate the joy of those going back to Earth.

"We will do the departing of the waking. All those who received a golden trinket today, please step forward onto the rainbow platform."

About ten people holding trinkets stepped onto the circular rainbow platform. They placed their trinkets into a little shelf and held hands to form a circle. The colors of the platform lit up briliantly and they all started spinnig in the air. The force of the colors pushed them up into the dark night sky until WHOOOSH! They all disappeared off the face of this strange world. Kenny was scared. His eyes grew really wide and he was sweating.

"_What the f--- is going on?_" he muffled.

"Kenny, shh! This is when some people get to live and go back to earth," whispered Mel.

"_What happens when you die?_"

"I don't know."

Kenny gulped. He looked back at the stage.

"Now," started the man lion, "my son will read the names of those who are going to die. Simba, you may read."

The young cub took out a small scroll and read " Abby Jones…Evana Tinkle…Inita Bathe…Hugh Jass…Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabar…Carter Ryans…Melissa Foy."

Mel hugged Kenny once last time then stepped up towards the stage. 3 people had white wings, and the other 4 had black wings. They were placed in ceremonial robes the color of their wings and walked into a tube.

"Son," said the man lion. "pull the lever." The boy cub nodded and pulled a red lever.

Kenny went up to Mel's tube, pushed his face against the tube, opened his hood so you could see his mouth, and mouthed "I love you" right before WHOOOSH! She was gone. Everyone left the stage, but Kenny's heart was breaking and his back was itching.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

At the hospital, Dr. Doctor, Fr. Maxi, Kenny's family, and the boys and their families gathered around Kenny's bed.

"Fellow Christians and the Broflovskis," said Fr. Maxi. "We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of young Kenneth Joshua McCormick. He wasn't a wealthy boy, but he was rich in friendship."

"BOR-ING!" groaned Cartman. Liane slapped him.

Fr. Maxi glared at the little fat kid, then continued. "He was a kind child, although he had man magazines under his bed, but he was a wonderful friend."

Stan was crying into his mom's arms, and Kyle was ready to cry.

"Poor Kenny," said Kyle. "What happens when you die in a coma?"

* * *

"_I hate this_," muffled Kenny. It's been two days since Mel died. His back didn't itch anymore, but he felt something on his back. A tear rolled down his cheeks. "_Why the f--- is this happening to me?_" He kicked some rocks and jumped on them, but…he felt there was a lighter gravitational pull on him because he floated in the air for a second.

He smelled himself. "_Dude! I need a shower_." He walked back to his hotel room and he walked into the bathroom. He took off his clothes and turned on the shower. He looked in the mirror and he saw something black and something white growing out of his back. His eyes grew really wide as he saw and felt those things.

"AAAAAAAAH! OH MY F---ING GOD!" gasped Kenny. "I HAVE WINGS!" He went inside the shower to wash himself, but he fell on the ground because his wings were wet.

"Ohhhh, man," he groaned.

Two hours later, his wings were dry. He put his parka back on and he walked around town. He went passed a Italian place where a snake was running the booth.

"Hey-a, kid," he said. He had a thick Italian mustache and he had a bald head. "Whasssssssa matta? You look-a like sssssomeone gave-a you a wedgie."

"_I lost my girlfriend a couple of days ago_," said Kenny.

"Aw, don't feel ssssso bad, kid," said the snake. "My momma always told me to never stop believing. I ate my wife last week by misssstake, and I believe she will come out just fine in the end. Have sssome gerbil pie." He handed Kenny a slice of gerbil pie with some live gerbils still crawling around.

Kenny felt he was going to barf. "_No, thanks_." He walked around town some more until—

BBBOOOOONNNNNNGGGG! The metallic noise sounded and Kenny went over to the Dancefloor. The father (named Mufasa) and his son (named Simba. Real original.) were on stage.

* * *

"Any last words before I pull the plug?" asked Dr. Doctor.

"You're an assh---, Cartman," said Stan.

"Ah am not!" disagreed Cartman.

* * *

"…Kenny McCormick," finshed the cub. Kenny's wings broke out of his parka. The crowd gasped gazing upon the black wing on Kenny's right side and the white wing on his left side.

"He's…the cursed one," said a man in the crowd.

"_Huh?_" asked Kenny.

The father lion took out a special case with a white side and a black side robe. He put it over Kenny and pushed him into the tube,

* * *

"Rest in peace, Kenny," said Stuart. The doctor shut down the power to the life support and it immediately stopped running.

* * *

The cub pulled the lever and everyone in the tubes went flying. Kenny felt himself ripping in two. A bright light shone through the tube and practically blinded everyone. When the light was gone, the tube was empty.

Kenny was flying through a light and felt like he was being crushed. Suddenly, he was launched into a place with clouds and happy people in it. A halo landed on his head and he floated down slowly. He knew what this was: Heaven. When he landed on a cloud, he called out "_Melissa! ME-LIS-SA!_"

"Kenny!" shouted a familiar voice. Mel came running over to Kenny and she hugged him. He was truly home.

* * *

"Well, we've done all we could," said Dr. Doctor. "We'll disconnect him tomorrow morning."

Tears rolled down Stan's face. He killed his best friend and he's not coming back…ever.

"I'm sorry, Stanley," said Sharon. "Are you going to be okay?"

"I don't know," replied Stan. Everyone walked out of the room, leaving Kenny's body along in the dark after the doctor turned off the lights.

The sun's light was showing through a slit with the closed curtain on the window. Kenny's body was cold and lifeless like a stone. The slit from the window beamed onto Kenny's inert head. His orange parka reflected some of the light.

Suddenly, Kenny's eyes opened, but with a red glow. The glow disappeared and Kenny rose out of bed. He disconnected himself, and floated up towards the ceiling.

"Today is a new dawning for my new kingdom," he muffled in a deep voice. He fell to the ground and said in his normal voice "Crap! I should probably go home and see my family."

The next morning, Stan went back to the hospital to visit Kenny before the doctors would disconnect Kenny. Stan was carrying a bouquet of flowers, then dropped them. Stan saw what was in Kenny's room: an empty bed and a baffled nurse.

"W-where's Kenny?" asked Stan.

"I don't know," said the nurse. "I think he's out and alive!"

Stan gasped with delight. He ran down all the stairs until he reached the door, then tripped down the last set of stairs, out the door, and into the cold, bitter winter air and snow. Stan saw a shadow that looked familiar. He squinted his eyes and saw…Kenny! Stan got out from the snowdrift and ran to Kenny. "Oh my God! I didn't kill Kenny!" Stan cried with joy as he hugged Kenny. Kenny felt total disgust.

"_Stop hugging me_," he said in a grave voice.

"Oh, sorry," said Stan as he let go. "C'mon, dude. We have to tell everyone else."

* * *

Meanwhile in heaven…

"_This is so f---ing cool_!" said Kenny as he jumped on his giant cloud bed, totally relaxed.

KNOCK-KNOCK! Mel walked in with a worried look on her face. "Hey, Kenny," she said. "Did you hear the news?"

"_No_," said Kenny, looking puzzled. Mel turned on the TV, and a hotel channel came on.

"_**Heaven has a variety of fun activities,fancy food, and all the comforts of home right by your room**,_" said the female voice on the TV.

"Whoops," said Mel. "Here we are. Channel 23." Mel changed the channel, and Tom from the Colorado news was on the screen.

"**_—leaving the vice president in charge. Now, in the small redneck town of South Park, Colorado, a small boy was once dead, then came back to life! With us for this story is a normal man with a funny name—Creamy Goodness!"_**

_"**Thanks, Tom," said Creamy. "Yes, a little 8 year-old boy was once dead, then came back to life. His name is Kenny McCormick.**_

_**"I'm live here in front of the McCormick's…uh, house, with more on the story.**"_

Kenny's eyes widened. They practically bulged out of his jacket.

_"**With me now are the boy's two friends, Kyle Broflovski and Stan Marsh. Stan, how did you react when you saw your dead friend alive?"**_** Kenny was crying because he was happy to see his friends again.**

**_"I was walking to the hospital," _started Stan. _"And I went into Kenny's room, and he was gone. I asked the nurse where he was, and she said he disappeared, so I ran outside and I found him waiting for me! It was like Jesus coming to South Park!"_**

**_"Very interesting given that Jesus LIVES in South Park," _said Creamy. _"So, Kyle, what was your reaction?"_**

**_"I don't know, dude," _said Kyle_." I guess I was happy. It is unusual, but it's cool."_**

_**"Back to you, Tom,**" _finished Creamy. Mel turned off the TV.

"Kenny, don't you see?" asked Mel.

"_I see that I'm in heaven and on Earth_," said Kenny. "_So how can I be here and on Earth?_"

"You can't," said Mel. "You are the cursed one."

"_I hear that all the time, but what the F--- does it mean_?"

"It means you have two souls: one good, one pure evil. The legends say that once every 10,000 years, the two archangels Mykenia and Kenatheous will battle on the Earth for who will rule the universe. The good archangel always wins, though.

"Now that it is the year 2000, the 10,000 years have passed and have been in your body since you were born. You are the only one who can stop the two archangels from destroying the planet, but especially stop the dark archangel."

"_Who is the dark archangel?_"

"I dunno."

Kenny's face was whiter than Alan Rickman's body. "_Is that why I die and then come back the next week?"_

"No. I have no idea why that happens, but when you went into the portal last night, you split in two and you have the good archangel in you right now. You have to do something before it's too late."

Kenny gulped. He knew he was in deep shit.

* * *

In South Park…

"Wow, Kenny," said Kyle. "What's it like in a coma?"

"_Very dark and cold_," said Kenny darkly. "_But restful_."

"Cool," said Stan. "I'm glad I didn't kill you, Kenny. Wanna know what you missed?"

"_No_." Kenny felt weird. He felt like he was…changing.

"Kennah!" said Cartman.

Kenny went back to normal.

"Want some Cheezah Poofs?" asked Cartman holding out a bag of Cheezy Poofs.

"_Sure_," replied Kenny.

"Then go an' bah some!" cackled Cartman. Kenny was mad. He felt himself changing. His hair grew longer. It started to stick out of his hood.

"Dude, we donated a lot of money to your family," said Kyle.

"_Where is it_?" asked Kenny.

"They ate it!" laughed Cartman. Kenny got madder. His hair became black, his pupils were red, and dark, sharp claws grew out of his gloves.

"Whaddya get when ya cross a poor person and another poor person?" asked Cartman.

"Don't do it," warned Stan.

"Kennah!" laughed Cartman until his face turned red. Kenny was really mad now. He was ready to burst until—

"Dude, that's not even funny," said Kyle.

BOOM!

Kenny changed. His hair was long and black, his hands had large, black claws growing out of his claws, his skin was a deep purple, his pupils disappeared and his eyes glowed a crimson red, black, sharp, pointy wings grew out of his back, his hood was off, and he had a dark glow around him.

Hate, cruelty, and universal domination was in his blood. He wasn't Kenny anymore. Kenny was stuck inside, trying to get out. His body was taken over by the dark archangel—Kenatheous.

"Dude, this is _SO _f---ed up right now," said Stan as he, Cartman, and Kyle were in the snow, blown away by the blast.

"Behold," said Kenatheous in a dark and slightly deeper voice. "I am the dark archangel, Kenatheous, and you shall bow down before me." He took out his right hand and a dark purple glow came out and struck the boys, making them bow down to him.

Then Butters, Timmy, Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek came to see what was going on.

"Oh, h-h-hey guys," said Butters.

"What are you doing here?" asked Token. The six boys looked at Kenatheous, who was glaring right at them.

"TIMMAH!" shouted Timmy. "Timmah?"

The purple glow made the other boys bow down, as well.

Craig wanted to be the hero for once, so with his best effort, he raised his middle finger and whispered "Dipsh--."

Then—

ZAAAPP!

Craig's body was almost destroyed. Blood was everywhere, bones were sticking out, his remaining eye was completely out of socket, and skin was torn off almost every bosy part.

"Oh my God! They killed Craig!" said Stan.

"You bastard!" said Kyle.

"SILENCE!" screamed Kenatheous. "If you don't obey me, you will end up like your friend here." The sun turned black, the sky went red, and they clouds turned a very strong grey.

"Oh, deep f---," said Clyde.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

A week later in South Park, the town was practically demolished. The remains of buildings were up in flames, half-cut up people were lying in the street, little kids crying in pain and grief, sitting next to their dead moms and dads, and only eight kids were reamining: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Wendy, Ike, Butters, Tweek, and Timmy were beaten to death. They were slaves to the dark archangel. Their skin torn, their clothes ripped and bloody, and their voices almost gone.

Kenatheous was in total control of South Park. A national reporter was standing in front of the town.

"Dave, I'm standing here in front of South Park, Colorado where a dark angel has destroyed the town. And—no! NO! Don't come near me, you son-of-a bitch! No! NOOO—"

Kenatheous struck the innocent reporter and killed him, with blood draining into the town. "Back to work!" he shouted to the kids.

"I-I don't think this is Kenny," said Butters hoarsely.

"Gee, ya think?" whispered Cartman.

Timmy couldn't take the work any longer, and he gasped dead in his chair.

"Oh my God. They killed Timmy," said Stan weakly.

"You—" started Kyle.

"SILENCE!" screamed Kenatheous.

"All right," said Stan. "Where is he?"

"Who?" asked Kenatheous.

"Where's Kenny?"

"Oh, him," said Kenatheous. "So you now know. Your puny friend Kenny is in heaven right now. Well, part of him. The other part is buried inside me. The other Kenny is stuck in heaven, and he can't get out. Now, get back to work!" He put a dark glow on Stan, pushing him to the ground.

Tweek couldn't take the pain or pressure, so he passed out on the ground, dead.

"Oh my God!" strained Stan. "They killed—"

ZAP! Stan was pushed to the ground, unable to move or talk. Kyle used his last ounce of strength and shouted "Kenny! _**HELP US**_!"

* * *

Kenny heard his name being called. He turned on the TV and found his town in ruins. He heard talking outside his room. He turned off the TV, and half the town of South Park was there.

Kenny felt weird. His halo started slipping, and his wings started to grow bigger. His pupils started to turn a strong aqua. He had to do something.

He went over to Mel's room and asked " _What can the good archangel do_?"

"Huh?" asked Mel. "Oh, that. I'm not sure."

* * *

"Wait," asked Stan. "Another question. If I killed Kenny, then—"

"You didn't kill Kenny. _I _did!" said Kenatheous. "I was the mysterious voice that you heard while playing "Blindfolded Jaywalk."

"But why?" asked Cartman.

"Because I know now that without the good half of Kenny, I can rule this pathetic world for all eternity!"

"Thanks a lot, Stan," said Cartman.

"Shut up, fatass!" said Stan. He and Cartman were thrown off the ground and then thrown right back down.

* * *

"_So I just have to do that and save the Earth?_" asked Kenny.

"Yup. Just don't get destroyed or anything," said Mel.

"_Thanks_," said Kenny. He hugged Mel one last time, and went over to the edge of heaven towards Earth. He jumped in the air and immediately plummeted down. His halo fell off and floated towards Mel.

"Please be all right, Kenny," she said.

Kenny was soaring down. His pupils disappeared and his eyes turned aqua. His body had the same color glow, his hood flew off, his hair grew longer, and his wings were a little bigger.

Stan was the last one somewhat alive. Butters, Wendy, Ike, Kyle and Cartman were barely breathing. Kyle was clinging onto his little brother.

Kenatheous grasped Stan by the neck, choking him.

"Now, to do away the one who brought me here!" he growled, killing Stan.

"Look!" said Kyle, pointing to the sky. An aqua glow came streaking down to Earth. Kenatheous dropped Stan, and growled deeper.

"Mykenia," he said.

"Who?" asked Stan.

"Mykenia! My ultimate enemy," he said in a low voice. The other half of your friend is in there."

Kenny landed on the ground. His mind changed into the mind of an archangel. He _was _Mykenia.

Devil Inside by Utada

Kyle and Cartman opened their eyes and looked at Mykenia.

"Kenny," whispered Kyle. Stan crawled over to his friends since he wasn't strong enough to walk and they hid behind a pile of burnt wood and corpses. Wendy, Ike, and Butters crawled over as well.

"Let these children go!" said Mykenia. "They have done nothing wrong!"

"My suffering from the past will now destroy the future thanks to the children!" said Kenatheous. "It will destroy yours as well." They both flew off the ground and attacked each other using the glows from their hands.

"F---ing weak, dude!" said Kyle.

"Sweeet," said Cartman.

Kenatheous heard Cartman. He sent out a black beam and picked up Cartman.

"Hey! What the f--- are ya doin' ya son-of-a BITCH?" He took the fat kid and stuck his claws down his throat, killing him.

"Oh my God! They killed Cartman!" said Stan.

There was a pause. "What?" asked Kyle. "I'm glad he's been killed."

Kenatheous did the same thing to Wendy and Ike. He pulled out dark ghosts of those kids. They all had a purple glow around them and they were mad.

"You can't destroy me unless you destroy the kids first!"

Mykenia thought quick. He went over to the others. "Please help me defeat him!"

"…kay," said Kyle. Mykenia put his hands on Kyle and Stan's hearts and pulled out two ghosts. He did the same thing to Butters.

"Oh, F---, dude!" gasped Stan.

"I-I'm dead! Oh boy! My parents can't ground me now!" said Butters. He saw Stan and Kyle looking the other way.

"Wendy…" mumbled Stan as he looked at his girlfriend, now a dark ghost.

"Ike…" mumbled Kyle as he saw his little brother an evil Canadian ghost. Stan and Kyle looked at Butters. "Oh…uh, Cartman!" he said in "grief."

"ATTACK!" shouted Kenatheous. Wendy went first and attacked Stan. They were both fighting, and Stan was trying to force Wendy off, but she was too strong.

"Stan! Use her weakness against her!" said Mykenia.

"Wha?" asked Stan.

"Dude, ya just gotta puke on her!" said Kyle.

"No way!" said Stan.

"Do it to save the rest of us!" said Kyle. Stan didn't want to do it. He looked into his girlfriend's eyes and then…

he…

BLEEAURRGH!

Ghost barf came out of his mouth and onto Wendy.

"Whoa, dude," said Kyle. Stan felt sick after puking all that crap from his mouth.

"Stan, stand back," said Mykenia. Wendy was coughing. The metallic noise from her voice disappeared when she coughed. The dark glow disappeared and Wendy went back to normal. She rubbed the vomit off herself and saw Stan floating right in front of her.

"Stan?" she asked. "Stan! It's you!" She hugged and kissed him. Stan would have thrown up again but all the barf already came out.

Kenatheous growled. "Okay, then. Go, little one!" Ike was next to fight. He flew over to Kyle and started bitng him.

"Knock it off, assh---!" said Kyle.

"Kyle, use his weakness against him!" said Mykenia. Kyle knew what to do. "Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!"

"Don kick the baby," said Ike with a metallic dark voice. Kyle kicked Ike around like a soccer ball until the glow went away from Ike. Kyle hugged his little brother.

Kenatheous was mad.

"Two-zero," said Mykenia.

"All right, ATTACK THE DUMB ONE, FATTY!" screamed Kenatheous. Cartman went right for Butters.

"H-HELP! I can't get him off me!" cried Butters.

"Get a bag of Cheezy Poofs!" shouted Kyle.

Butters flew down to the ground, looking for a bag of Cheezy Poofs in his half-burnt-down house. He found one and threw it at Cartman. The fat boy started chowin' down and he went back to normal.

"Hooray!" shouted the kids.

Now, Kenatheous was so mad, he took a little ball out of his chest and threw it towards the kids. "Looks like I'll have to fight dirty now!" Mykenia took a ball out of him and threw it at the other ball.

The two balls combined and it formed something: Kenny! Kenny's ghost flew over to the others. "Hey guys! What's up?"

"LOOK OUT!" screamed Wendy. A giant black claw swiped by the seven kids. Kenatheous was now a giant black dragon who was bloodthirsty. Mykenia was a giant rabbit/lion creature. They both started fighting and destroying the town even more.

"What are we gonna do?" asked Wendy, clutching Stan's arm.

"There's nothing we can do except watch the town being destroyed and remain being ghosts," said Kyle.

Kenny knew this was his fault. He had to do something. He flew out from behind the hiding spot and muffled

"Hey! Assh---!"

They both stopped. Mykenia was on the ground, panting.

"I know this is my fault," said Kenny. "I'm the one who started this. So, kill me instead."

"Kenny, no!" said Kyle.

Kenatheous started to grow a flame in his mouth. Stan didn't want to lose his best friend again, so he flew right through the dragon's heart, stunning it.

Mykenia took this opportunity to spray water on the dragon, making it fall to the ground and staying there. Mykenia blew its breath on Kenatheous and Kenatheous started to dissolve. It dissolved until there was only a black ball no bigger than a marble. An orb suddenly appeared out of nowhere and the black sphere was locked in it forever.

"Hooray!" the kids cheered. All the kids' ghosts went back into their bodies.

"We did it, Stan!" said Kyle. There was no response. "Stan?" He saw Stan's body, lifeless on the ground.

"He must've sacrificed himself to save the rest of us," said Butters.

"Oh no," said Ike.

Everyone started crying. All of a sudden, a little girl who looked like she was in kindergarten with long blonde hair, aqua pupils, wings, and white silk clothing came over to the kids. She went over to Stan, place her hands over Stan's heart and kissed him on the cheek.

Wendy was crying hard now. She went over to Cartman and cried in his fat chest.

Stan's eyes opened up and black goop came out of his mouth.

"STAN!" screamed Wendy. She ran over to him and hugged him.

"Dude, who the f--- are you?" asked Cartman.

"I am the archangel Mykenia," she replied.

"What? No, Mykenia was a dude, dude," said Kyle.

"Not true," Mykenia replied. "I was just using your friend's body like my brother was."

"_What brother_?" asked Kenny.

"Kenatheous," said Mykenia.

"_Brother_?" asked everyone with surprise.

"Ha ha!" laughed Cartman. "You had a girl inside ya, Kenny!" Kenny slapped Cartman in the face. "Ow, godammit!"

"Not quite, Eric," said Mykenia. "I am not human, so I cannot be boy or girl. But, about my brother, we have been since the beginning of time. Every 100,000 years, we go to a spot on Earth and fight. Guess how Atlantis disappeared?"

"What does Kenny have to do with this?" asked Butters.

"As punishment for his behavior, we were placed into Kenny's body, but at least things are all right. I want to thank each of you for helping me fight my brother. I will grant each of you one wish."

Butters went first. "I wish my parents wouldn't ground me anymore!"

Then Wendy went next. "I want to be the most popular girl in school!"

Then Ike went. "Gorma-boo-ba Cookie Monster."

Then Cartman. "I wanna lifetime supply of Cheezah Poofs!"

Stan and Kyle had to think. Stan then said "When Kenny dies, I want to die with him."

Everyone else gasped.

"_Whoa, dude! You sure you wanna do that_?" asked Kenny.

"Yeah," replied Stan.

"If Stan and Kenny die, I'll die with them, too!" said Kyle.

"Kenny, for helping me the most and for being a good sport about this, you get two wishes.

"_I want everything to back to the way it was before this whole thing happened_," said Kenny.

"That means you'd have to be in the coma again," said Kyle.

"Not quite," said Mykenia. "I can make it so it happens differently. Now, what's your second wish?"

Kenny whispered something into the angel's ear. "Ooh, I can do that!" said Mykenia with glee.

Mykenia rose up to the sky and glowed a magnificant white and—

"Wait! Are we gonna remember this?" asked Cartman.

"Yeah, but only the seven of you," said Mykenia. "Now if I can—"

Suddenly, a red convertible came up and Jesus came out with a dark tan, and a lei on him.

"Uh, what happened?" he asked.

Mykenia glowed a magnificant white and a bright flash went through the town.

* * *

"Any last words before I pull the plug?" asked Dr. Doctor.

Kenny's eyes rose up form bed and his eyes opened.

"_Yeah. DON'T KILL ME!_" he screamed. Everyone except Stan, Cartman, and Kyle were in shock. Fr. Maxi fainted and landed on the other boys.

"HAH! Get your damn body off mahne!" yelled Cartman. Kenny disconnected himself and put his coat on.

Stan and Kyle got out of the dogpile. "Dude, where are you going?" asked Kyle.

"_Just follow me_," said Kenny. "_We're going to Montana_."

Kenny and his friends and their families went to Montana to attend a funeral for a person named Melissa Janice Foy. Kenny said his final goodbye and placed a rose on her casket.

After the funeral, you'd think this is the end of the story, right? WRONG! It'd be a happy ending, like Matt and Trey would do, but this isn't their story…it's mine. This is how I want it to end.

Two weeks later, Cartman finished his last bag of Cheezy Poofs, every kid in South Park followed Wendy everywhere, Cookie Monster was Ike's plaything forever, and Butters' parents were treating him with respect.

"Hey! How come I don't have any more Cheezah Poofs?" screamed Cartman. "How—"

Suddnely, Cartman started to blow up, like Violet from the Willy Wonka movie, and he kept growing bigger and bigger until he was a big bubble boy.

"WHAT THE F--- IS GOIN—"

KABOOM!

Cartman exploded into nothing.

"Oh my God!" said Stan. "They killed—"

"I wouldn't go there," said Kyle.

Kenny started laughing.

"Hey! Was that your second wish?" asked Stan.

"_Uh-huh_," muffled Kenny.

"Wonder what happened?" asked Kyle.

* * *

Suddenly, a shot of hell is shown. Cartman appears before Satan.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Cartman.

"Hell is where you are, kid," said Satan. "For all eternity!"

"NOOOOO!" screamed Cartman.

"Hey, relax, guy!" said Saddam Hussein. "Put ya feet up! We're havin' Kroff Dinneuh and watchin' 'Sex and the City' here!"

* * *

Kenny was laughing. "_You know, I think everything will be just fine from now—_"

BANG!

Kenny fell to the ground, shot by a bullet.

"Oh my God! They killed Kenny!" said Stan.

"You bastard!" said Kyle.

BANG! A second bullet killed Stan.

"Oh my God! They killed Stan! You bastard!" said Kyle.

BANG! A third bullet killed Kyle. All three of them were on the ground, dead.

* * *

_A New Day Has Come by Celine Dion_

The three boys had their funeral outside, presented by Father Maxi and Rabbi Murkowski.

When the funeral was over, and the biys were buried, a shot of space was shown and the three boys were floating in it.

"Dude, where are we?" asked Stan.

"I don't know," said Kyle. They saw Kenny floating towards a cloud.

"Kenny, wait up!" they both shouted. A bright light came out from behind the cloud and wings and halo grew on the three of them. Stan and Kyle's hat flew off and into space, and Kenny's hood fell off as well.

When they got to the gates of heaven, they saw handplates with names underneath them: their names. They placed their left hand into the plates and the gates of heaven opened. A brilliant white glow shined through the gates. A sign above the boys read:

**Access Granted: Welcome Stan, Kyle, and Kenny**.

They walked through the gates and all of them, especially Kenny, knew that they would be back on Earth in a week.

THE END!

Copyrights: (again? AARGH!) South Park; 1997-2006, owned by Comedy Central, I-am-E.L.F; 1991-2006, owned by who the bleep cares?


End file.
